Lord of the RingsCell Phones Edition
by Miscellaneous Sonata
Summary: This is a really crazy really dumb take on LOTR.It's my first parody in a while so I hope it's all right anyway. it's only here for a laugh really. Please leave reviews on what you think should happen next!
1. The toy of Doom

Author's Note: Look it's a real fan fiction thing with eventual chapters and everything! AH, yes, here it is. Warning, it's a silly parody of course and if you don't like humor of any kind don't read this and expect to enjoy this. And here's our friendly disclaimer:

Of course I do NOT own Lord of the Rings or any of its attributes. If I did, I would be very rich and I would drink champagne with diamonds in the glass every day and I would own estates and such. In other words, I am NOT Tolkien and I'm not dead. Thank you, I am done now. This is my first Lord of the Rings fic.. so please go easy.

Frodo woke up that morning, yawning and getting slowly out of bed when he heard a strange ring. The ring seemed to form notes and even a song and come to think of it it was quite annoying. He clumsily stood all the way up, shaking his hair a bit before inching towards the noise. Where was it coming from? Oh yes… near the mantle. Just then Bilbo entered, whining about visitors and motioned to Frodo to hide away from the windows.

"I'm not at home!" he yelled outside angrily and locked the door behind him. The ring came again and Bilbo jumped, annoyed and startled at the same time. "Frodo, what is this madness?"

He shrugged, just as confused as his uncle. "I don't know. It only just started. Bilbo, do you know what's going on?"

Just then Gandalf knocked his staff on the door loudly, grumbling something about an annoying noise. "Will somebody answer the bloody door?!"

Bilbo ran to the door, confused to hear a frustrated Gandalf who had come to visit the Shire for his a hundred and eleventieth birthday. "Gandalf?"

"Oh, no doing that, Bilbo, I'm in rather of a rush right now." With that, the great wizard didn't even hesitate before coming in just as the elderly hobbit opened the small circular door. Gandalf had to duck in however as he rushed in, staff knocking on the chandelier above the doorway.

"Gandalf, what are you doing here besides smacking into our chandelier?" asked poor Frodo who was getting rather annoyed at the strange ringing and even more confused at the friendly wizard showing up at their doorstep of Bag End.

"Somebody answer that thing already!" Upset, the wizard finally found the source of the annoying ringing which just happened to be a small cell phone with the covering of the words Wizards Unite in yellow over it. "Yes, I'm here. Yes, I've found the hobbits. Yes, I CAN hear you now. What? Honestly, you just won't shut up, will you. Yes, I know my mission, all right? I've read the bloody script. Yes, are you going to be quiet now and let me talk to the confused hobbits? Well, thank you." Gandalf, more annoyed than ever, quickly ended the phone conversation, turned off the cell phone and stuffed it somewhere in his robes, where I do not exactly wish to describe. The two hobbits stared at him, thoroughly confused and now bothered at the new thing that the wizard had been using.

"Excuse me, what's going on? What was that? Gandalf, please explain what just happened. I'm so confused!" Bilbo let out a frustrated yelp at the end of his little speech.

"Well, that's what I'm here for to help you to understand what you need to do, my young hobbit." At this comment, he was looking directly at Frodo who was also looking quite confused for he was good at looking confused.

"But what is that, Gandalf? Is it a quest?"

"Ah, yes, boy, it is a quest. It involves one of your uncle's old possessions that you do not know of yet. He was going to give it to you once you had Bag End but now is a better time as your uncle is going to make a disappearing trick at the party tonight.

"That was supposed to be a surprise, you darn wizard! Honestly, can't I disappear when I want to?"

"Yes, you can, but not now. I don't have time to get this plot moving slowly. Anyways, you know of which I speak of, Bilbo. You found it in Smaug's cave so many years ago."

At this comment, the elderly hobbit turned pale and he backed away, not willing for what the wizard had just said. "No, no, Gandalf, I won't let you take it! Please, I've grown fond of it so. You can't take it away from me!"

"Honestly, how you got so attached to that thing is beyond me. Come on, Bilbo, we need to take it out of your room so Frodo can go destroy it. It's Eeeee-vil you know. Not just one e, lots of es evil. Bilbo, will you cooperate?"

"But, please, he's very special to me. It's my own, my precioussss!"

"Oh, save it, and get it… NOW."

Whimpering, the hobbit left the room leaving Frodo more confused than usual and Gandalf glaring after him. The wizard did not bother to explain himself and Bilbo came soon after, something hidden behind his voice but Gandalf grabbed it from him.

"Bilbo, don't try to toy with me. This is pure Eeeeee-vil!" He shook the thing in his hands and Frodo stared wide-eyed. What was this strange and terrible thing his mentor held?

"No, please, Gandalf, give him back. How I love his laugh…"

"BILBO!" The wizard shouted and squeezed the thing's stomach, a most terrible look in his eyes as he did so. Then the thing spoke… quite menacingly in his little voice.

"Oh, I am a little thing of doom look at me play! Look at me play! I will sing and dance for you! Look at me play! Look at me play!" And then the thing giggled and burst into song. He would have kept going if Gandalf had not smacked it on the head to keep it quiet.

"This is not right, Bilbo, you must understand! Look at it! It's a Tickle Me Elmo for goodness sakes!"

"Oh, but, honestly, isn't he adorable?"

"No, it's not. The thing bears the ability to bring back Lord Sauron, so I think not. No, we're throwing it into Mount Doom and that's final."

At this, Bilbo started whining incessantly, quite annoyed that Gandalf said his toy was evil and a thing of doom and that Frodo was looking quite embarrassed at this new discovery. He had always wondered what Bilbo had been doing behind closed doors and to discover he was busy giggling at an instrument of doom was quite a harsh reality. The young hobbit looked at his uncle and then the wizard, dumbfounded.

"What's going on exactly?"

"Your uncle is harboring a thing of eee-vil because he thinks it's cute and you must destroy it because Bilbo already has his book and you are a cute hobbit so it will make the fan girls happy. Is that clear?"

"Oh, all right then, but what about my friends?"

"They won't miss you. Now, let's get going."

"Aaaaaah!"

The shout came from under the window of the hobbit hole and Gandalf moaned, knowing who it was. After all, he had read the script. He went out the door and dragged the hobbit out of hiding. Out from the bush came Samwise Gamgee who had been listening the whole time and now he was within the hobbit hole and Gandalf presented him with a cell phone and gave Frodo his uncle's doll along with a cell phone of his own.

"Now, go with your friend already. You must both destroy this terrible thing. Go on now. Off with you. Don't even bother about Bilbo's little party."

And off they went with several packs of supplies to their destiny or their doom perhaps with Elmo in Frodo's arms and grim looks on their faces.


	2. Glowing disco!

At this same time, Merry and Pippin, two hobbit friends closed to Sam and Frodo, were rolling about in the fields happily and all that sort of thing. The two questing hobbits were almost to where the two stealing hobbits were, weary and not very happy about things. Besides Tickle me Elmo was getting quite annoying as it was inserting phrases about things such as "Oh please love me! I love to be loved!" and "Even evil dolls deserve a hug!" Frodo in fact was about to maul the doll to death after another comment on the weather when his cousin and his friend ran straight into him.

It was a great brawl that followed and the four hobbits ended up falling down a hill of sorts and very closely to a large pile of dung. At that moment, Frodo's cell phone rang. Annoyed, he stuffed Elmo in his pack and answered it with Pippin's large hairy foot in his face.

"Yes, who is this?" he grumbled into the receiving end and waited for an answer. A familiar voice followed, one that he did not wish to here at the moment in fact. Of course it was the wizard who had sent them on this silly quest.

"It's me, you dimwit. Where are you now? Have you gotten to the part of the script where you fall down a hill after running into Merry and Pippin? By the way, those two will give you a lot of trouble in the future."

"Of course we're here, Gandalf, and how do you know about this stuff anyway?"

"Stop acting clueless. It's in the script. Don't you read? Anyhow, I'm just checking up on you silly hobbits. Has the Elmo driven you crazy yet? It gets worse as you go along too. My number is now implanted in your cell phone's memory and if you look in your packs there will be phones for Merry and Pippin as well. Aren't I genius? Anyways, toodleoo!"

Frodo groaned as he hung up the phone in annoyance, stuffing it in his pocket and smacked the Elmo once to put out his frustrations. This only made the wretched doll sing again loudly and shrilly, "Oh, I've got a pretty pair of acorns in my hand! They are for you and me! Isn't that grand? Oh, you are a wonderful friend to me! Can't you see? Can't you see? I- "

Sam was the first to punch the Elmo quiet this time and there were groans all around. Merry and Pippin merely blinked with curiosity at the cell phones and found their own phones deep within Frodo's pack. Grinning at the same time, they began dialing away with excitement anxious to see who they would reach.

"No! Put those down! Gandalf didn't intend for us to use them this way. Come on, let's go. We've no time to waste," said Sam. He was getting thoroughly annoyed by Elmo and the constantly ringing cell phones, that and the fact that Gandalf seemed to have memorized the script or had been reading it aloud daily.

Grumbling, Merry and Pippin obeyed Sam and pocketed their phones after admiring a few more times. Then they were off, journeying into far distant lands beyond the Shire and places they had never been. Frodo remembered Gandalf's directions he had left in his coat pocket and read them once more. They were passing near Bree, the town where they were to meet him and give the One Elmo of Doom. It was in the dead of night and Elmo let out a note of warning as they approached Brandybuck Bridge.

"Master!" Elmo sang as a great screech echoed in the darkness and the hobbits began to panic. What was this terrible sound that haunted them now and why did Elmo have to say something? Was there a point to this entire parody? Will the author stop typing nonsensical sentences? Will it ever end?!

Pippin yelped when he heard the screech and the started to run quickly through the darkness hiding behind trees on the way until Merry found his friend Frodo and asked, "What are they?"

"I don't know. Gandalf forgot to mention that important plot point to me!"

"Shhh… not so loud. I know a way to this bridge thing with a lake and all and Gandalf told me these things don't like water and said it was an important plot point. So come on and follow me!"

Frodo looked on in confusion yet again and ran after Merry while Pippin and Sam filed in behind. In the confusion, his cell phone rang and Elmo went off in choruses about doom. He tried to answer the phone and run at the same time which he found to be doing very unsuccessfully and found he had been slowing down considerably to the other hobbits' paces. They had already gotten to the boat and were ready to go but Frodo was still far behind, struggling with the cell phone and tripping over his cloak. At last, he managed to answer it, hearing the voice of a terrible hoarse whisper within it, saying,

"Seven daaaaaays…"

In extreme confusion he was nearly cornered but at last he reached the boat and jumped into it for that is far more dramatic than just getting there in time. Hours later, they arrived at the Prancing Pony where it was dark and troublesome. It was raining outside and the four hobbits were cold and weary from the long journey, bones aching and nerves annoyed as they tried to silence Elmo to stop the suspicion.

An unexpected cameo appearance of the director made past their way as Frodo became the leader and slowly entered into the dark, grisly bar. Pippin, Merry and Sam followed after him, nervous and cold as they approached the strangely clueless bar owner. After they asked where Gandalf was all he could do was shake his head and admit that he had been absent for six months which of course was an awfully long time. Tired already of this parody, the four hobbits sighed together and wondered what they could do next. The only thing that seemed logical at the moment was drinking.

Pippin was the most excited about sharing drinks and went off to get several pints especially after discovering what they were as his cell phone cover said "I love pints." Sam was the first to recognize the stranger and he glared as menacingly as he could at the robed fellow who was smoking quite a bit. In fact, a large cloud had gathered about them and it smelled a bit like hobbit pipe weed. His eyes glowed at them and Sam shuddered.

"That guy's been staring at us this whole segment. I don't like him. Gandalf said nothing about a strange man in the script, did he?"

Frodo shook his head. "Not that I remember. Excuse me, sir, is there something on my face?"

Sam giggled a little as his friend tried to speak to the strange man who was wearing sunglasses in doors again and of course didn't show whether he was actually looking at them or not. Instead he kept staring as it seemed and it really bothered Sam who got up and asked aloud,

"Do you got a starin' problem? How about you mind your own business!"

"Sam!" This only made Frodo giggle a little too for the pints were quickly getting to his head. Merry had disappeared somewhere in the inn/bar and Pippin was talking in the distance. Somehow Pippin had let his name slip and then the name of the Elmo bearer and in shock, Frodo ran over, shouting. "Pippin!"

"Ouuuch! That's rather a mean thing to do to a friend I mean really all I said was your—"

He was interrupted by the Elmo flying out of Frodo's jacket that landed atop him, making the hobbit glow strangely much like a disco ball. "Oooo…" said the crowd as Frodo scampered about the floor, seeing strange visions of orcs doing the disco and Saruman flashing perfect strangers. It frightened him so that he ran straight into the strange man who had been staring at him through the sunglasses before.

"Nice trick, Mr. Anderson." Then the poor confused hobbit had ceased his glowing as he grabbed the Elmo and was carried off up the stairs.


End file.
